Grundled Masala

This is a custom grundled masala recipe that I developed for my friend Russ. But I think, with a few adjustments, this recipe can work for anyone who has access to a pommel horse.

Prepare at your own risk.

Time required:

Prep time - 6.25 hours

Cooking time - 1-9 hours

Regret time - eternity

Ingredients:

20lb sack of onions (no bags)

3 tomatoes

1 medium head garlic

1 large piece ginger

1 stick butter

1 cup vegetable oil

1 cup turmeric

1 cup cumin

1 cup coriander seeds

1 cup fenugreek seeds

1 cup paprika

1/4 cup cloves

1/4 cup green cardamom pods

Tools required:

Large, heavy-bottomed pot or dutch oven

Large plastic box

Heavy blanket that covers box

Broad mallet - rubber or wood

Swimming goggles

Rubber spatula

Reed flute

Roll double-sided carpet tape

Pommel horse (handles removed)

Seven funnels

Rubber boots

Directions:

Empty the sack of onions into the plastic box. If, when attempting to buy the sack of onions, someone offers you a bag of onions instead, do not buy them. This recipe requires a SACK of onions. Bagged onions do not posses the same desperation as sacked onions.

If you aren't already wearing swimming goggles, put them on now.

Remove your shirt.

Grasp the mallet in your dominant hand.

Drape the blanket over your head and descend upon the box of onions, ensuring the blanket covers you and the box.

Begin hammering. Do not worry about the onion skins. You will pick them out later.

Once the onions have been reduced to a semi-solid slurry, add all the other ingredients except the vegetable oil.

Continue hammering until the slurry is properly combined. You will know the slurry is ready when your nipples begin to burn.

Scrape down your torso and the blanket with a rubber spatula in order to save all the slurry.

Discard the blanket.

DO NOT remove the swimming goggles or put on your shirt.

Pick out onion skins and set slurry aside.

Apply double-sided tape the pommel horse. Use long runs of tape, stretching from end to end. Cover the entire top and half way down the sides.

Slowly pour all the slurry over the pommel horse. Some slurry will stick to the tape, some slurry will fall. We'll collect the fallen slurry later.

Remove your pants, over and under.

Put on your rubber boots.

Arrange the funnels on the inside of your lower legs, firmly pressed into the boots. Four on the left and three on the right.

Mount the pommel horse.

Begin, slowly at first, grundling the slurry.

Back and forth.

Always grundling.

Back and forth.

Resist the temptation to give in to the pain. This step is required for properly grundled masala.

Back and forth.

Once all of the slurry has been properly grundled, your boots should be very full. Gingerly dismount the pommel horse, being careful not to press too much of the grundled slurry from your boots.

While wearing the boots, heat the dutch oven over medium-high heat.

Add the vegetable oil.

Remove your rubber boots and dump the grundled slurry into the dutch oven.

Cook until cooked.