Would this be a good coloring book for my seven-year-old daughter?
That depends. Is your seven-year-old daughter a middle-aged, mildly-depressed man with ambition issues and a broken spirit? If so, then yes! This would be a great coloring book for your seven-year-old daughter. If not, then maybe.
Does the empty racquetball court on page 33 symbolize the sadness and loneliness that often accompanies the solitary practice of a sport that requires an opponent?
No. The racquetball court is on page 35.
Your illustrations are superb, almost as beautiful as your prose. Why aren't you rich and famous?
This is an excellent question that I'm sure a number of readers will have. While I can't prove it, I believe my lack of success can be traced directly back to the nefarious actions of the humorous coloring book deep-state elite. Or because I'm lazy. But probably the deep-state thing.
What music would best accompany this book?
Coloring is a very personal, subjective experience. Therefore I don’t think I can prescribe a particular musical genre to maximize your coloring experience. However, I can tell you that if you listen to RATT’s hit song “Way Cool Jr.” while coloring this book, the images will look worse than they actually are.
You’re an overweight, bearded white dude who lives in Portland, so obviously you know a lot about beer. Can you recommend a good craft beer to drink while coloring your coloring book?
Nice accurate generalization, jerk. Lagers are huge right now. Any brewer worth his or her weight in hops will tell you a perfect pilsner is one of the hardest beers to brew. I love hoppy IPAs in all of their weird geographic categorizations, overpriced, palate-puckering sours, and pretty much anything that’s spent time in a bourbon barrel. But for this application, I’ll recommend the crisp-bodied, mineral-backed hoppiness of a Czech pilsner. You’ll need at least one per page.
I take my therapeutic coloring very seriously. I'm concerned that this coloring book might not be constructed of the durable, acid-free, 50lb paper I prefer to work on. How is the quality?
I designed The Worst Coloring Book to help readers like you reach a deeper level of peace and tranquility. Yes, it is true that the naturally-dyed, compassionately-sourced, vegan-friendly crayons you bought from the local organic co-op will shred the pages of this coloring book. But only when used improperly. With a delicate hand and open heart, the lightweight paper you see before you is an opportunity to explore the lighter shades of emotional well-being. I did this for you, dear reader, because I care. And because it was the only choice Amazon gave me.
The artwork in this book is stunning. Who are your artistic influences?
Excellent question imagined FAQ persona. When illustrating these illustrations, I drew on many years spent studying the masters. If pressed, I would say I was most influenced by two artists, the first being Amerighi da Caravaggio. I spent years translating the richness of the real world into the dramatic, black and white images you see before you. In all that time, I couldn’t help but be constantly reminded of the arresting interplay of light and dark, of the chiaroscuran intensity of Caravaggio’s work. The second artistic influence would be Vincent Connare, the guy who designed the comic sans font. This book sucks almost as much as that font.